Talk to yourself, like you would someone you love!

We talk to ourselves all the time, but have you ever paid attention to how much of that self-talk is self-criticism, self-loathing, judgement or just generally beating yourself up?
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Our brains are hard-wired for negativity through our protective survival instincts, and sometimes this can backfire, when we experience setbacks or difficulties, or we lack resilience and the skills to cope with life. We can get into a cycle of negative self-talk, which exacerbates a state of low self-worth, leaving us feeling anxious, down or depressed.
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As part of taking care of ourselves, it is really important that we build a positive relationship with ourselves; looking after you, so that you can be who you want to be in the world. It all starts with loving yourself a little more each day. And I’m not talking about the ego-centred “Oh, I love myself!” type of declaration, but the daily respect and kindness that you might show to others, which is something that we should all practise giving to ourselves.

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​Try this exercise:

1. Identify some qualities that you value in yourself. If this is hard, think about what friends might say about you or compliments that you might have heard directed towards you, which you might previously have batted away dismissively.
2. Make a list of 3  -7 qualities, ideally one for every day of the week, but if you can only think of one, then start there!
3. Practise saying them to yourself out loud, starting with “I am…” For example “I am kind” “I am caring” “I am generous”… You can start with one each day or go through your whole list; it’s up to you.
4. Notice how you feel as you say them. Do they feel true or is there resistance to these statements? Is there an emotion that comes up as you say them and if so, what is it?
5. Once you get more comfortable with the statements, then practise saying them to yourself in front of a mirror, as you smile and make eye contact with yourself.
6. Then as you go about your day, make it your mission to notice how you are being these qualities. Can you find examples of when you were kind today, or brave, or strong or caring…?
7. Write these down in a journal each day, so that they can be stored as evidence for your brain and re-visit them often. In this way, you can begin to make new neural pathways that allow you to exit from the negative loop.

Some of my clients find this exercise very difficult to do. If you are one of those people that feel a real resistance to doing this task, or you have an emotional reaction to the “I am” statements, it means that more likely than not, you are holding onto a negative belief, that is stopping you from making these statements true for yourself.
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In therapy, we can identify and look at where the negative belief has come from, so that you can resolve and let go of any unprocessed emotions that have been holding you back. When we begin to clear the underlying causes of low self-worth, it means that you can stop feeling anxious. Your mind will quieten, the self-criticism will diminish and because your inner voice can now be kinder to you, the peace that comes with that is truly wonderful.
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Give this a go and let me know how you get on in the comments. If you need any help, you know where I am. 

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